Thanks for this one Mel
Ok so I too am a huge fanpire of twilight, "ryan stop laughing...it's a word ok.". I have been obsessed for quite some time now and seeing the movie last week was like throwing gasoline on the flames. Since then I have been reading, watching, and searching out all things twilight. My favorite came from one of the coolest cats I know. Mel, this is a gigantic thank you for posting this hilarious rejected screenplay on your blog. To all of my peeps..please enjoy.MY SCREENPLAY ADAPTATION OF STEPHENIE MEYER'S "TWILIGHT"By Eric D. Snider
Scene 1
BELLA: I'm sad to leave the hellish, uninhabitable wasteland of Phoenix to live in a rain-soaked town full of rubes. I wish everything about my comfortable and privileged life were completely different!DAD: Hi, Bella! Welcome to Forks, Washington. I'm glad you've stopped playing mother to your own flighty, irresponsible mom and come here to be my mother instead. BELLA: It will be my pleasure to cook and clean for you.DAD: I bought you an old truck from an Indian in a wheelchair!BELLA: I ... have no response for that.
* * * * *
Scene 2
BELLA: It's tough being the new kid in school! Especially when everyone is so friendly and helpful and interested in me. Why can't they just leave me alone so I can sit in the corner and cut myself? CLASSMATE: You're awesome, Bella!BELLA: See what I have to put up with? Hey -- who are those hot people over there?CLASSMATE: Those are the Cullens. They avoid direct sunlight, they don't eat food, they sleep in coffins in a graveyard, and holy water burns them. I think they're Canadians.BELLA: They sure are spectacularly gorgeous.CLASSMATE: Yes, they are.BELLA: I mean seriously, those people are BEAUTIFUL. Especially the one who keeps looking at me. Man alive, that guy is stunning. I mean, wow. He is hot buttered seduction on a stick. I'm not interested in him sexually, of course, because sex is dirty, but wow -- LOOK AT HIM! Yee-ikes! Hubba hubba! If you don't mind, I'd like to spend the next 75 pages talking exclusively about how attractive he is, and then bring it up again every paragraph or so for the remaining 400 pages. CLASSMATE: Knock yourself out.
* * * * *
Scene 3
EDWARD: Hi, I'm Edward. I'm every girl's fantasy boyfriend: moody, humorless, violent, capable of snapping your spine with my bare hands, liable to do creepy things like watch you while you're sleeping, but also really cute. BELLA: There is something strange about you.EDWARD: (recoils at her garlic breath) I don't know what you mean.BELLA: I just can't put my finger on what it is.EDWARD: (lifts automobile with one hand) You're imagining things. BELLA: I feel like you're hiding something from me.EDWARD: (grabs passing rabbit with lightning speed; drinks rabbit's blood) Don't be silly!BELLA: It's like you're different somehow.EDWARD: (turns into bat; flies away)BELLA: Hmm. I bet he's gay.
* * * * *
Scene 4
JACOB: You should be careful with those Cullens. Many moons ago, our tribe's elders, who were werewolves, made a pact with the Cullens, who were vampires. They're not allowed on our land, not even at our casinos.BELLA: What, still? Even after all this time has passed?JACOB: Nope.BELLA: Since when do white people honor treaties with Indians?JACOB: I know, right? BELLA: Let me guess -- you're a character whose only job is to provide exposition, and you won't be useful until the next book.JACOB: Yes. At the earliest.
* * * * *
Scene 5
BELLA: Thanks for saving me from that mob of guys who attacked me in the street! It's a good thing you obsessively stalk me while simultaneously insisting you want nothing to do with me. EDWARD: No problem. If anyone's going to tear you limb from limb and gorge themselves on your sweet, delicious, life-giving blood, it's going to be me.BELLA: Aw, you say the nicest things! I'm pretty sure you're a vampire, that I'm in love with you, and that part of you wants to kill me.EDWARD: Don't be silly. It's not just part of me.BELLA: LOL!
* * * * *
Scene 6
EDWARD: You know what vampires love? Baseball!BELLA: Really? EDWARD: Sure! Haven't you ever heard of vampire bats?
(Crickets.)
EDWARD: Anyhoo, these are the vampire friends I live with, the Cullens. They've been very eager to eat you.BELLA: You mean meet me?EDWARD: Meet you. What did I say?ALICE: I'm Alice! I can see the future, but only when it's useful to the plot. For example, right now: Look out for those mean vampires barging in from the forest!MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum! I smell the blood of a human!EDWARD: Stay away from her! Bella, you'd better go. I don't want you to have to see me fight this guy for your honor, our muscles straining as we grapple, the air thick with testosterone and the sounds of our throaty snarling.BELLA: Right! I wouldn't want to see that! Especially not if your shirts got torn off!
* * * * *
Scene 7
MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: You puny humans are so predictable and weak. Now I've got you alone, free to toy with you and torture you and deliver lengthy explanatory monologues to you! I just hope I don't waste so much time fartin' around that when I finally do decide to kill you it's too late because Edward and the Cullens have arrived to save you!BELLA: That would certainly be an unusual twist!MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: I must say, I can see why Edward likes you. Your smell is overpowering!BELLA: Oh, you can smell that? Sorry, I thought I could sneak one out....MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Never mind! At last it is time for me to--EDWARD: Not so fast, Count Jerkula!MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Edward! And the Cullens! Who could have foreseen your perfectly timed arrival?!ALICE: I could have! Didn't, but could have!
(Fighting ensues. MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES is vanquished.)
EDWARD: Bella! Are you OK? He bit you! I've got to suck out the vampire poison!BELLA: Edward, you don't have to make up excuses to put your mouth on me. I mean honestly, who ever heard of "vampire poison"? EDWARD: I'm serious! It's coursing through your veins as we speak!BELLA: Uh-huh. Whatever you say, Powder.
* * * * *
Scene 8
BELLA: Why did you bring me to the prom, Edward? You know I can't dance, and that I hate it when people tell me I'm beautiful, which happens all the time. EDWARD: I don't want your dangerous psychological infatuation with a vampire to interfere with your regular life. BELLA: But I want to BE a vampire! I want you to do it to me. It will strengthen our love for each other. I want to become one with you. And what better night than prom night? We can do it in the back of the limo.EDWARD: Wait, what are we talking about? BELLA: I don't know. All the metaphors have started to run together. EDWARD: You're sure you want to be a vampire?BELLA: Yes.EDWARD: Well, how about if I press my lips against your throat in an ambiguous way, just enough to ensure that readers come back for the sequel?BELLA: It's a deal.
Scene 1
BELLA: I'm sad to leave the hellish, uninhabitable wasteland of Phoenix to live in a rain-soaked town full of rubes. I wish everything about my comfortable and privileged life were completely different!DAD: Hi, Bella! Welcome to Forks, Washington. I'm glad you've stopped playing mother to your own flighty, irresponsible mom and come here to be my mother instead. BELLA: It will be my pleasure to cook and clean for you.DAD: I bought you an old truck from an Indian in a wheelchair!BELLA: I ... have no response for that.
* * * * *
Scene 2
BELLA: It's tough being the new kid in school! Especially when everyone is so friendly and helpful and interested in me. Why can't they just leave me alone so I can sit in the corner and cut myself? CLASSMATE: You're awesome, Bella!BELLA: See what I have to put up with? Hey -- who are those hot people over there?CLASSMATE: Those are the Cullens. They avoid direct sunlight, they don't eat food, they sleep in coffins in a graveyard, and holy water burns them. I think they're Canadians.BELLA: They sure are spectacularly gorgeous.CLASSMATE: Yes, they are.BELLA: I mean seriously, those people are BEAUTIFUL. Especially the one who keeps looking at me. Man alive, that guy is stunning. I mean, wow. He is hot buttered seduction on a stick. I'm not interested in him sexually, of course, because sex is dirty, but wow -- LOOK AT HIM! Yee-ikes! Hubba hubba! If you don't mind, I'd like to spend the next 75 pages talking exclusively about how attractive he is, and then bring it up again every paragraph or so for the remaining 400 pages. CLASSMATE: Knock yourself out.
* * * * *
Scene 3
EDWARD: Hi, I'm Edward. I'm every girl's fantasy boyfriend: moody, humorless, violent, capable of snapping your spine with my bare hands, liable to do creepy things like watch you while you're sleeping, but also really cute. BELLA: There is something strange about you.EDWARD: (recoils at her garlic breath) I don't know what you mean.BELLA: I just can't put my finger on what it is.EDWARD: (lifts automobile with one hand) You're imagining things. BELLA: I feel like you're hiding something from me.EDWARD: (grabs passing rabbit with lightning speed; drinks rabbit's blood) Don't be silly!BELLA: It's like you're different somehow.EDWARD: (turns into bat; flies away)BELLA: Hmm. I bet he's gay.
* * * * *
Scene 4
JACOB: You should be careful with those Cullens. Many moons ago, our tribe's elders, who were werewolves, made a pact with the Cullens, who were vampires. They're not allowed on our land, not even at our casinos.BELLA: What, still? Even after all this time has passed?JACOB: Nope.BELLA: Since when do white people honor treaties with Indians?JACOB: I know, right? BELLA: Let me guess -- you're a character whose only job is to provide exposition, and you won't be useful until the next book.JACOB: Yes. At the earliest.
* * * * *
Scene 5
BELLA: Thanks for saving me from that mob of guys who attacked me in the street! It's a good thing you obsessively stalk me while simultaneously insisting you want nothing to do with me. EDWARD: No problem. If anyone's going to tear you limb from limb and gorge themselves on your sweet, delicious, life-giving blood, it's going to be me.BELLA: Aw, you say the nicest things! I'm pretty sure you're a vampire, that I'm in love with you, and that part of you wants to kill me.EDWARD: Don't be silly. It's not just part of me.BELLA: LOL!
* * * * *
Scene 6
EDWARD: You know what vampires love? Baseball!BELLA: Really? EDWARD: Sure! Haven't you ever heard of vampire bats?
(Crickets.)
EDWARD: Anyhoo, these are the vampire friends I live with, the Cullens. They've been very eager to eat you.BELLA: You mean meet me?EDWARD: Meet you. What did I say?ALICE: I'm Alice! I can see the future, but only when it's useful to the plot. For example, right now: Look out for those mean vampires barging in from the forest!MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum! I smell the blood of a human!EDWARD: Stay away from her! Bella, you'd better go. I don't want you to have to see me fight this guy for your honor, our muscles straining as we grapple, the air thick with testosterone and the sounds of our throaty snarling.BELLA: Right! I wouldn't want to see that! Especially not if your shirts got torn off!
* * * * *
Scene 7
MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: You puny humans are so predictable and weak. Now I've got you alone, free to toy with you and torture you and deliver lengthy explanatory monologues to you! I just hope I don't waste so much time fartin' around that when I finally do decide to kill you it's too late because Edward and the Cullens have arrived to save you!BELLA: That would certainly be an unusual twist!MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: I must say, I can see why Edward likes you. Your smell is overpowering!BELLA: Oh, you can smell that? Sorry, I thought I could sneak one out....MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Never mind! At last it is time for me to--EDWARD: Not so fast, Count Jerkula!MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Edward! And the Cullens! Who could have foreseen your perfectly timed arrival?!ALICE: I could have! Didn't, but could have!
(Fighting ensues. MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES is vanquished.)
EDWARD: Bella! Are you OK? He bit you! I've got to suck out the vampire poison!BELLA: Edward, you don't have to make up excuses to put your mouth on me. I mean honestly, who ever heard of "vampire poison"? EDWARD: I'm serious! It's coursing through your veins as we speak!BELLA: Uh-huh. Whatever you say, Powder.
* * * * *
Scene 8
BELLA: Why did you bring me to the prom, Edward? You know I can't dance, and that I hate it when people tell me I'm beautiful, which happens all the time. EDWARD: I don't want your dangerous psychological infatuation with a vampire to interfere with your regular life. BELLA: But I want to BE a vampire! I want you to do it to me. It will strengthen our love for each other. I want to become one with you. And what better night than prom night? We can do it in the back of the limo.EDWARD: Wait, what are we talking about? BELLA: I don't know. All the metaphors have started to run together. EDWARD: You're sure you want to be a vampire?BELLA: Yes.EDWARD: Well, how about if I press my lips against your throat in an ambiguous way, just enough to ensure that readers come back for the sequel?BELLA: It's a deal.
posted by The Uzelac's at
November 29, 2008
9 Comments
Getting some much needed time with my sweetheart
Seeing sweet action like this...Go Boozer!!!
This super fan behind me who got sloshed half way through the first quarter and bellowed hilarious game commentary the entire game. I spent more time laughing at his comments about the guy who came out to mop the sweat off of the floor and random rooooaaaarrrs than I did watching the game. He actually got so worked up that at times Syd and I were showered with his super fan spit. priceless. 
Witnessing a totally interesting phenomenon. During the 2nd quarter I stepped out to hit the restrooms when I came upon a group of about 100 Jazz fans huddled around a big screen tv. After closer observation I saw that they were watching the U of U game. I got a chuckle out of the fact that these people payed good money for jazz tickets and were spending their time in front of a tv. Funny.
They got these 3 cute little kids to run after the Jazz bear copying tricks that he did to the song "Bear Necessities". It was the cutest dang thing ever. One of the little bears wasn't done in the spotlight as the players stepped on the court. He ran away until the jazz bear caught him. Go baby go baby go. 
Seeing my hubby relax and smile
Spotting hairstyles that I totally want to copy
Great company. If you don't know my cousin Syd and her husband Blake...too bad for you. They're some of the funniest people on earth and we had a fantastic time with them.
